Positives

There's plenty of good in him too.

He makes me laugh, for the most part. He tries to be funny, and he claims that his friends and office mates find him to be comedian. I'm the last person, as it appears, that laughs at his jokes. Haha. Sometimes it's just so predictable for me, that it doesn't make it less humorous mind you. :)

We have days when all we do is just laugh. I love those days.

He's good with kids. He won't admit to it, but he is. I actually think he may tend to be a spoiler. We don't actually have the exact same view in child rearing, but I think we may be able to come to a compromise that will be good for our future kids, should we have any.

He thinks of me too. Sometimes he makes thoughtful comments that makes me realize that he does think of me too, even when we're not together. I used to doubt that see, so this is particularly important. He does think about what I want and what I need. I just wished this was more prevalent.

Not ALL bad

Nope, it's not all bad. I would be stupid to cling if it were.

He takes care of me too. He actually says that he's my slave. He carries my stuff, cleans my room, bathes my dog. He cooks for me, cleans up, and sometimes washes the dishes too. If we live together, he'd probably do the laundry and the ironing.

So it's not like the demarcation lines are clear - is he bad guy or a good guy?

Generally, he is a good guy. It's just that emotionally, I think he's so immature. He can't commit. And I'm not just talking marriage here.

Sometimes he hates how he looks. He vows to exercise and lose weight. He vows to do what it takes to look and feel better. And yet, he does not follow through. He can't commit to a plan. He refuses to make plans, because he knows he won't be able to commit to them anyway.

He wants to buy the world, but refuses to really save up for it. Seriously. We've talked about saving money so many times but it just doesn't stick. He will have some money, and then he will spend it. So in the end, he still has none left.

Stop. I started this post thinking how I would write about the good things, but I ended up bitching about his commitment issues?

Maybe something's wrong with me.

Need

He keeps me around because he needs me. And I'm not saying it's all just about the money. After all, I am not rich, and he has a job too.

But somehow, I feel like he will be nice and he definitely won't pick a fight for as long as he needs something from me, or will be asking something of me.

And to me, that means that when he no longer has use for me, I will be left like trash on a sidewalk. Which is what happens on weekends when he wants to go drinking, or whatever.

And this is a very awful feeling. No one should ever feel that way. This is stuff that feeds paranoia, breeds distrust.

Part of me just wants to build him up and boost him to the point that he will no longer need me emotionally. So he won't need my help in ways that he needs me now. Maybe then he can finally own up if he really wants to stick around or not. Part of me just wishes he maintains his sad sorry state, so he will forever need to stay close.

Or maybe I'm just reading this all wrong. Maybe he does love me after all.

Symbiosis

"Symbiosis is a close ecological relationship between the individuals of two (or more) different species.   Sometimes a symbiotic relationship benefits both species, sometimes one species benefits at the other's expense, and in other cases neither species benefits." - from this website

Sometimes I wonder whether we stay together because we benefit from the relationship or from one another. Do I stick with him because I get an instant body guard? A constant date? Does he keep just for the material benefits he derives from me?

I've asked myself these questions before. My answer? No. I choose to stay with him because I truly love him. All those other things, I can find someone else to do them for me, or I can do them myself.

I try to throw him these questions too, but he's more sensitive. He'll just get offended if I ask straight out.

Weekend Fights

I heard it in a movie I watched recently - the girl was dating this guy who would break up with her during the weekends so he can go do his stuff. Then they'd make up after.

Sometimes I feel like that's what happens to us.

David sometimes feels that I don't want him doing his own thing, specially on weekends. My point is that weekends are the only time we can have quality time with each other, why do I have to share it with others? So there are times when we'd have a fight on a Thursday or a Friday, and he will refuse to talk things through. But come Sunday, he will be around being apologetic and all.

If I casually ask him where he was the previous night or Friday night, I'll find out that he was out drinking somewhere. How else am I to think?

The thing is, I would love for him to do his thing. I won't get in the way. Why won't he just tell me straight out? No need to pick a fight. Sheesh.

Words Cut Deep Wounds

Yes they do.

Early in the relationship, we would have very intense word fights. Most of them would come from him. And then I realized that words, once you utter them, you can never take them back. Even when you both know that they were only said in the heat of things, it doesn't make them less true.

And so at one point I told him that. Be careful with what you say, because you cannot take them back. And to tell you honestly, you've already wounded my heart.

So much so that even when you patch things up, kiss and make up, it's only the surface wound that heals.

Are you in good terms?

I was asked this question today, about my relationship. I was asking two new members of my team (colleagues really) about their relationship status. If we were to work alongside each other, it helps to know a little bit about their personal lives too. That's how we are, culturally. We find it difficult to live our lives in segments. Work is always affected by our personal lives.

Anyway, I digress.

So I said "Yes" with conviction. After all, David and I are speaking to each other again. We're okay. I said that we just had a fight, but that's not a big big thing. One of the boys commented that sometimes couple fight and that strengthens the bond between them when they make up. I disagreed, and the other guy agreed with me.

Sometimes, even when you makeup and say that everything's okay, and then you even promise that you hold no grudges against the other person - it still leaves a mark, a dent in the relationship.

But yes, we're in good terms right now. Things are swingin'. But is it going to stay this way?

So When's The Wedding?

How many times have I been asked this question? This year alone, I've been asked this as much times as I've been asked throughout the last eight years. This year, and the next 6 to 12 months, friends are marrying off. Now more than ever, there is some pressure to find out when our turn is. Honestly, I don't know.

Two years ago, David gave a definite month - let's get married in June next year. I'm pretty sure I even blogged about it but I'm too lazy to find the link.

June came and went, and so did the rest of that year, and nothing happened in that department. I don't ask too many questions about it, lest I be accused of pressuring him.

So what's the hold up? We have no money to spend for a wedding. I have been thinking of ways and means to save up for the big day. I don't need a grand wedding, but I want there to be a celebration with friends and family. I want to be married at our church, and I want to wear a lovely gown and look so pretty! Feeding the many people who love us and who would come to witness our union will cost a lot. And neither one of us has the savings to cover for that.

So I encourage David to save too. I even set him up with a schedule for savings. Still nothing happened. We owe my credit card more today than we did two years ago (he doesn't have one so if he needs the use of a CC, mine is what we swipe swipe).

I happen to think that no matter how much you make, if you truly have the will to save money, you will be able to do so. Even a student who lives off his allowance can save up for an important purchase. Why not an adult receiving a regular bi-weekly salary?

Could it be that he is not really determined to get married?

What prompted the journey?

What prompted me to set off in this journey? Where did all these questions come from? What sparked these ideas?

Was it merely seeing in print what I've long felt, and thought of, that got me to finally confront myself? No, reading the book at this point in time was merely coincidental. Or was it the Universe telling me it was time I gave these things some thought?

There had to be a catalyst. In this case, it was a series of events.

First, he got so upset about something I did, which I don't normally do. Truth is, it was him who always does that annoying thing, and every time it happens, I just joke him about it and he dismisses it with a smile and a little sugar. So when it was my turn to do it, unintentionally of course, it was like I was unforgivable!

In short, when it is my plans that won't push through because he chooses to sleep the day away, it's okay. Weekends are for sleeping in anyway. But when it is his plans that are in danger of not happening because I oversleep, he will be so upset and he won't even admit it.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

My problem is that, I keep on masking how I truly feel, and cloak what I truly want to say because I know how sensitive he can be. I understand how terribly fragile his ego can get, and that he won't forget any ill I say, even if you tell him later on that it was all in the context of being mad and wanting to hurt him.With that in mind, I just keep it to myself, so there'd be peace. At least on the outside.

Is that what I really want? Is that what it really takes to make this work?

Why Attraversiamo?

I read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love (who hasn't?). And that was the only time I encountered the word attraversiamo.

It was the author's favorite Italian word and though she didn't mention why, I think it was because it meant crossing over to a new life. Turning a new leaf. Isn't that what crossing to the other side of the road sometimes signifies?

I guess I have come to a point in my life that can be considered a crossroads. I need to dig in within me and determine whether I want in, or out. I need to find out the direction I want to take so I can finally cross over, never to look back.

Only then can I say, to whoever my companions may be, attraversiamo.

And I am not even saying that I need to decide that enough is enough, and I want out. No, in truth I am prepared for the possibility that by the end of this journey, I may very well find myself right where I started. That things will be back to normal. But by then, I hope I would be wiser, and more at peace at the decision. And be happy.

But I also hope that I don't set myself up for failure. I hope I am not going out on a quest to an ending that I have already made up my mind for. If the end for me means to start at a new beginning, then so be it. If the best decision I need to make is to own up and decide, like Liz Gilbert, that no matter how much I love my David I have to let him go - then so be it. I will prepare myself for that.

It is so difficult to admit that something is wrong. Yet it is true.

What is wrong? Perhaps we can all find out together on this journey.

Nine Years

They say it's not how long you've been together that determines whether you will remain that way for life, nor is it an indication of how much love there is between you two.

I used to think that that if there is not much love, two people can't possibly stay together for so long.

Now, I think it isn't love at all that keep two people together, but the sheer will to stick it out.

There really are times when love just isn't enough. Sometimes, for that very reason, two people must part. And I wonder, for us, perhaps nine years is all that we could have? 

Maybe it is time to make a decision to stop trying. To decide to set each other free, rather than to keep accepting our differences in the hopes that someday - one day - either one of us will change.