Thirteen

So nine years turned to ten, and eventually thirteen. Thirteen years.

And today it may have just ended. For all the same reasons from back then. And maybe a little more. 
I guess in 2009 I figured out that there was more to this, a reason for keeping up. But today, I'm prone to accept that that's the end of it. 

And maybe, it wasn't him after all. Maybe it wasn't all his fault. 

Positives

There's plenty of good in him too.

He makes me laugh, for the most part. He tries to be funny, and he claims that his friends and office mates find him to be comedian. I'm the last person, as it appears, that laughs at his jokes. Haha. Sometimes it's just so predictable for me, that it doesn't make it less humorous mind you. :)

We have days when all we do is just laugh. I love those days.

He's good with kids. He won't admit to it, but he is. I actually think he may tend to be a spoiler. We don't actually have the exact same view in child rearing, but I think we may be able to come to a compromise that will be good for our future kids, should we have any.

He thinks of me too. Sometimes he makes thoughtful comments that makes me realize that he does think of me too, even when we're not together. I used to doubt that see, so this is particularly important. He does think about what I want and what I need. I just wished this was more prevalent.

Not ALL bad

Nope, it's not all bad. I would be stupid to cling if it were.

He takes care of me too. He actually says that he's my slave. He carries my stuff, cleans my room, bathes my dog. He cooks for me, cleans up, and sometimes washes the dishes too. If we live together, he'd probably do the laundry and the ironing.

So it's not like the demarcation lines are clear - is he bad guy or a good guy?

Generally, he is a good guy. It's just that emotionally, I think he's so immature. He can't commit. And I'm not just talking marriage here.

Sometimes he hates how he looks. He vows to exercise and lose weight. He vows to do what it takes to look and feel better. And yet, he does not follow through. He can't commit to a plan. He refuses to make plans, because he knows he won't be able to commit to them anyway.

He wants to buy the world, but refuses to really save up for it. Seriously. We've talked about saving money so many times but it just doesn't stick. He will have some money, and then he will spend it. So in the end, he still has none left.

Stop. I started this post thinking how I would write about the good things, but I ended up bitching about his commitment issues?

Maybe something's wrong with me.

Need

He keeps me around because he needs me. And I'm not saying it's all just about the money. After all, I am not rich, and he has a job too.

But somehow, I feel like he will be nice and he definitely won't pick a fight for as long as he needs something from me, or will be asking something of me.

And to me, that means that when he no longer has use for me, I will be left like trash on a sidewalk. Which is what happens on weekends when he wants to go drinking, or whatever.

And this is a very awful feeling. No one should ever feel that way. This is stuff that feeds paranoia, breeds distrust.

Part of me just wants to build him up and boost him to the point that he will no longer need me emotionally. So he won't need my help in ways that he needs me now. Maybe then he can finally own up if he really wants to stick around or not. Part of me just wishes he maintains his sad sorry state, so he will forever need to stay close.

Or maybe I'm just reading this all wrong. Maybe he does love me after all.