What prompted the journey?

What prompted me to set off in this journey? Where did all these questions come from? What sparked these ideas?

Was it merely seeing in print what I've long felt, and thought of, that got me to finally confront myself? No, reading the book at this point in time was merely coincidental. Or was it the Universe telling me it was time I gave these things some thought?

There had to be a catalyst. In this case, it was a series of events.

First, he got so upset about something I did, which I don't normally do. Truth is, it was him who always does that annoying thing, and every time it happens, I just joke him about it and he dismisses it with a smile and a little sugar. So when it was my turn to do it, unintentionally of course, it was like I was unforgivable!

In short, when it is my plans that won't push through because he chooses to sleep the day away, it's okay. Weekends are for sleeping in anyway. But when it is his plans that are in danger of not happening because I oversleep, he will be so upset and he won't even admit it.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

My problem is that, I keep on masking how I truly feel, and cloak what I truly want to say because I know how sensitive he can be. I understand how terribly fragile his ego can get, and that he won't forget any ill I say, even if you tell him later on that it was all in the context of being mad and wanting to hurt him.With that in mind, I just keep it to myself, so there'd be peace. At least on the outside.

Is that what I really want? Is that what it really takes to make this work?

Why Attraversiamo?

I read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love (who hasn't?). And that was the only time I encountered the word attraversiamo.

It was the author's favorite Italian word and though she didn't mention why, I think it was because it meant crossing over to a new life. Turning a new leaf. Isn't that what crossing to the other side of the road sometimes signifies?

I guess I have come to a point in my life that can be considered a crossroads. I need to dig in within me and determine whether I want in, or out. I need to find out the direction I want to take so I can finally cross over, never to look back.

Only then can I say, to whoever my companions may be, attraversiamo.

And I am not even saying that I need to decide that enough is enough, and I want out. No, in truth I am prepared for the possibility that by the end of this journey, I may very well find myself right where I started. That things will be back to normal. But by then, I hope I would be wiser, and more at peace at the decision. And be happy.

But I also hope that I don't set myself up for failure. I hope I am not going out on a quest to an ending that I have already made up my mind for. If the end for me means to start at a new beginning, then so be it. If the best decision I need to make is to own up and decide, like Liz Gilbert, that no matter how much I love my David I have to let him go - then so be it. I will prepare myself for that.

It is so difficult to admit that something is wrong. Yet it is true.

What is wrong? Perhaps we can all find out together on this journey.

Nine Years

They say it's not how long you've been together that determines whether you will remain that way for life, nor is it an indication of how much love there is between you two.

I used to think that that if there is not much love, two people can't possibly stay together for so long.

Now, I think it isn't love at all that keep two people together, but the sheer will to stick it out.

There really are times when love just isn't enough. Sometimes, for that very reason, two people must part. And I wonder, for us, perhaps nine years is all that we could have? 

Maybe it is time to make a decision to stop trying. To decide to set each other free, rather than to keep accepting our differences in the hopes that someday - one day - either one of us will change.